


Nepenthe

by HarryTwinks (AndroidHeaven)



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26186116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndroidHeaven/pseuds/HarryTwinks
Summary: Winks is feeling down and feels like he isn’t fitting in at Dele’s party, therefore he decides to sneak out of it. He never expected Eric to go after him.
Relationships: Eric Dier/Harry Winks
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Nepenthe

**Author's Note:**

> I dreamed that people were so tired of my fics that one of them started to stalk me and then hacked me and my family to fuck up my life. This probably says something.

Winks was never really fond of parties. He was definitely not one to party much even in his younger days, and whenever he went to one it was pretty much because someone else was dragging him along. Still, whenever a teammate of his threw a party and invited him he felt obligated to go, which is exactly what happened that night. At least his teammates’ parties were usually more of a nice social gathering since they were already grown-ups and didn’t really need to get crazy to have some fun together. Obviously, that didn’t stop some people from getting a bit crazy sometimes in these parties, but Winks was never one of them. 

He wasn’t as quiet and shy as he was before when he had just come out of the academy, but he _still was_ a bit quiet and shy. Although even the other introverts from their team were having plenty of fun in Dele’s party that night, Winks was not one of them. Something simply didn’t feel right, and he wasn’t sure what or why. Harry enjoyed their company and felt very comfortable around them after all this time together, but for some reason, he simply was unable to have fun that night. Whenever he tried to talk to someone it felt weird, if he tried to dance with the others to the loud music it also felt off, and when he tried to joke around with the playful lads it felt superficial. It was almost if he didn’t fit in, as if he was left out. 

Harry knows that they are all his friends but somehow, he also felt incredibly disconnected from them sometimes, and this night seemed to be the summit of it. He was never one to be good at small talk and neither was he good at conversations at all sometimes. Even though the others seemed fine with it already, Winks still felt extremely awkward whenever his attempts of starting a conversation went wrong. He managed to improve that over the years, not being as shy as he was anymore especially around his teammates, yet he didn’t feel like it was enough. How he couldn’t even fit in at this party in Dele’s house that night shoved this fact right into his face. Winks was feeling incredibly stupid. 

He wasn’t even trying to fit in anymore or try to have fun, Harry simply went to a corner and observed the others from afar, watching his friends having fun from a distance. Some of them were dancing, others were drinking a bit and a few of them were just talking and laughing together. Everything seemed to be suffocating him for a moment as one million thoughts rushed through his unquiet mind at that instance. Winks wasn’t sure why he felt so down, he was supposed to be having fun with his teammates, it’s not as if there was someone he didn’t know there. Yet he simply was unable to, and at least he could say that he had tried to have fun because he _did_ try. 

Winks couldn’t take it anymore, being there afar from the others, he might as well not be there at all. It didn’t make sense, but the loud music and all the chattering plus laughter was starting to hurt his eardrums, causing him to feel sick for a moment. He decided that he had enough and smoothly made his way to the door before anyone could notice, sneaking out of Dele’s house since he wasn’t really making any difference there anyway. 

The moment Harry was out the door some relief washed over him, the quiet sound of the nocturnal streets and the cold breeze taking over his body setting some comfort to his troubled mind. Since it was late at night there wasn’t anyone in the streets, all he could hear was the faint sound of some cars in the far distance somewhere, therefore he could have some peace being there all by himself. Winks closed his eyes and took a deep breath, glad that the loud music inside Dele’s house was muffled enough to become nothing more than white noise as the cold air filled his lungs. 

He pondered for a second what he should do next, if he should wait and see if he manages to go back inside and try again or if he should just leave and go take lonely comfort in his warm bed at his own house. Winks was about to decide something, but his thoughts were shattered the moment he heard the door he used to sneak out opening. 

Harry felt his heart race as he noticed that it was Eric Dier the person that had just used that door. He was probably on his way to leave as he even had his coat on already, but Winks was glad that he got to see him before that. Eric was one of the usually introverted lads having fun, and also the first person Winks tried to have fun with on that party. However, Winks had felt that he got quickly left out by the others who were also hanging out with Eric, which resulted in Winks just going away awkwardly since he couldn’t even get Dier's attention back there. That was probably one of the factors, if not the most important one, that contributed to the rest of his downfall that night and failure of his attempts on trying to fit in. 

He gave Eric a polite smile, trying to not make it obvious how unhappy and subdued he was actually feeling. Dier returned his kind smile and Winks’ heart saddened knowing that the older man was going to leave now and how this was literally the only interaction he managed to have with him that night. However, surprisingly Eric didn’t walk past him, instead he walked towards Winks and kept looking at him. Harry looked back at him feeling confused, unsure what Eric wanted to say to him before he left. It was probably going to be usual small talk that people have as they say goodbye. 

“Hey, Winksy.” Eric started with a gentle voice. “Are you feeling okay?” 

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.” Winks gulped nervously as he answered without thinking, caught off guard by the question. 

“...Are you sure? I noticed that you were all by yourself back there and then ran away here.” 

Harry couldn’t help but slightly widen his eyes upon the surprise of Eric having noticed that. Honestly, Winks didn’t even know Dier remembered his existence at the party. Eric never had any problem fitting in and that night it was no different as he had fun with the others, so it was quite a shock to Harry that Eric had realised how distant he had been from everyone, and that he even cared enough to leave the party to go check on him. 

Winks was about to assure Eric that he was fine, that nothing happened and that he just had a headache and wanted to get away from the loud music or some other bullshit like that. Yet for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to lie to him saying that he was okay at that moment, and so he didn’t. Harry remained silent, seeming as if he wanted to say something but not having enough courage to talk, tilting his head down to look at the floor instead as he couldn’t find the words. He didn’t need to look Eric in the eyes to notice the gaze he had set upon him, making him even more unable to answer that question with spoken words. Therefore, Harry simply shook his head in response, still avoiding eye contact. 

Eric managed to get Winks to look back at him the moment he extended his arm and softly placed it on his shoulder as a sign of reassurance to the younger man. Winks gulped with the action, feeling butterflies swim all over his stomach at the small gesture of affection and kindness coming from Dier. He still couldn’t bring himself to say anything though, only remained looking back at Eric with subdued eyes. 

“Do you want to take a walk?” Eric suggested carefully. 

Winks didn’t want to go back inside so that was probably a good idea. Maybe a walk among the quiet streets in the chilly night would help his state a bit, especially if it was with Dier alongside him. He nodded in response, biting down on his lips nervously when Eric smiled to him. 

They started to slowly walk through the streets, Eric guiding the way although they were walking right next to each other with the same pace, just wandering aimlessly into the night. Somehow, walking away with Eric felt comforting, it eased some of Harry's gloomy thoughts as the cold breeze took them away when they were already far from Dele’s house and no distant sound could be heard anymore. It was almost as if only the two of them existed in the world at that moment. 

The only discomforting thing right that moment was how it was a tad too cold for comfort. Winks had started shivering whenever the wind hit him freezingly. 

“Are you feeling cold, Winksy?” Eric asked as he noticed his trembling. 

“I forgot my coat inside.” He answered truthfully as he rubbed his arms to create some heat to his body. 

“Do you want to have mine?” 

“N-No, it’s okay.” Winks answered politely but then another gust of wind made him clench his teeth. “...Unless you wouldn’t mind it.” 

He finished saying with a small smile, making it clear that he was practically freezing to death and was ready to accept Dier’s kindness. Eric smiled in response and they stopped walking as he reached to the hem of his coat as he removed it and then gave the warm piece of clothing for Winks to wear. Harry wasted no time in putting it on, feeling cosier as Eric’s previous warmth still lingered on the cloth. It was a bit too big on him, but that only made it feel warmer. Not to mention how it smelled like Dier, and that was more than comforting, even more than its warmth, causing Winks to feel flustered at the sensation for a second. 

Eric reached his hands towards Winks’ shoulders and slightly rubbed them to create more heat, just like Winks had done to himself earlier, and that simple action made the latter's brain short-circuit. However, Harry didn’t have enough time to get flustered and shy again as his thoughts and Eric’s action were cut off immediately when they suddenly heard a bark. 

There was a big stray dog staring at them with an angry expression sprawled on its face, barking loudly at both men. This part of the streets was probably its territory or at least it was in its mind, and they were trespassing. The dog slightly advanced towards them as it barked angrily, clearly threatening them if they were to continue walking through that part of the street. Winks liked dogs even though not as much as Dier, but he still was scared of these angry ones as he never knew when one could bite his head off. He smoothly hid himself behind Eric as the blond tried to shoo the dog away but wasn’t successful. As Dier failed and the dog seemed about to attack for a moment, they decided to simply walk to the other part of the street and continue walking from there. Eric had even shielded Winks for a bit in the process, probably realising how the brunet had been trying to be discreet in hiding behind his bigger body. Harry was glad that Eric didn’t comment on it and instead just protected him, but he was also extremely glad that the dog didn’t try to hurt Eric either. Although Dier could probably handle it better than him, Winks would still hate to see him get hurt. Besides, Harry didn’t feel that threatened, because for some reason he felt safe around Eric. It’s like he subconsciously knows, or at least thinks, that Dier would never let anything bad happen to him. 

As they managed to get away from the dog, they continued their slow walk in silence and peace. Apparently, Eric was taking him to a square nearby as he noticed the familiar streets. It didn’t take long for them to reach it and they noticed how it was completely empty just as expected. There was no one around and no stray animals either, somehow comforting Winks’ mind even more knowing that it was still just the two of them. Dier guided them to sit down on one of the benches, next to the small water fountain that was in the middle of that part of the square. 

Harry had sat down first and got a bit nervous when Eric sat right next to him, the side of his body glued to his own despite having plenty of space to be apart from each other if they wanted. They simply rested there in silence for a while, taking in the night as Winks took solace in being there with Dier. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Eric broke the silence gently, yet it still surprised Winks as he had been spacing out for the past minutes. 

He realised how Dier was looking at him with a tender gaze, giving off his friendly vibe quite clearly. Eric had always been one of the nicest ones and Harry knew he could trust him. 

“I’m not sure.” Winks answered honestly. “I-I don’t even know what _‘it’_ is myself.” 

Eric nodded his head in understanding, but it was mostly to himself. 

“Then... Do you want to tell me what you are feeling?” 

Winks gulped. That at least he was aware of, his emotions were crystal clear to him about what he had been feeling that night although he wasn’t sure the reason behind everything. 

“I’m not sure how to say it.” Harry chuckled nervously, trying to hide his uneasiness behind a smile like always. 

“You don’t have to say anything specific if you don’t want.” Eric suggested as he thought of a way to make Winks feel free to open up. “You can just say random words if that’s better.” 

Harry pondered about it for a second. It was indeed easier that way. 

“...Sad.” Winks gave it a shot, feeling a bit stupid for a second but Eric’s eyes never changed to something judging so he continued. “A-And lonely.” 

Winks looked away at that last bit, giving a nervous smile again as he felt awkward for being so open. It was almost as if he was making himself vulnerable, but Harry knows that Eric would never take advantage of that. 

“Out of place.” 

With that, Winks hoped that Dier already understood what the reason was for him to have left the party out of a sudden. Eric seemed to understand it and also seemed to notice how nervous Winks was getting. 

“Maybe you’re not really into parties. It makes some people uncomfortable and there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

Eric tried to comfort, wanting to let Winks know that he wasn’t weird for not being able to fit in back there. 

“Yeah, maybe... But it’s also overall, not just tonight.” Harry started spilling his thoughts without thinking. “I don’t feel like anyone really cares about me.” 

He finished it with a sad nervous smile again, feeling incredibly stupid for saying that out loud as he didn’t mean to sound dramatic. Yet it was that what he was truly feeling. 

Winks refused to look at Eric after what he had just said. Eric was surely going to make fun of him for being so sensitive. He should have never had said anything. 

“I care about you.” 

With that statement, Harry immediately looked back at Eric, his eyes slightly widening as he felt incredibly surprised at Dier’s words and how honest and tender they had sounded. 

Harry wasn’t sure if it was those words, that moment of being alone with Eric deep into the night under the dark sky, the simple fact that they were sitting so close to each other, how Eric looked softly at him or if it was all those facts combined. Yet, for a single moment, just a split second, he couldn’t bring himself to overthink. And that was probably a mistake. 

Winks suddenly broke the small distance between them and pressed his lips against Eric’s own, feeling the softness and how fulfilling it was; until it wasn’t anymore. Harry soon woke up to reality and immediately retracted his lips from his, feeling utterly surprised and ashamed of his own action. 

“Shit— I’m sorry, I don’t know why I—” 

The worst of it all is that Harry does know _why_ despite not being sure _how_ he managed to do that. He refused to look at Eric or wait for his reaction. Winks simply got up from the bench and walked away. 

If Harry thought that this night couldn’t had gotten any worse, he had been awfully wrong because this was being a complete disaster. Knowing that he had found comfort in Eric and then managed to screw it all up made him feel even more devastated about everything. 

As if Dier would ever see him that way too. It’s obvious that he wouldn’t. Winks has been told all his life how basic he is and that was probably one of the reasons why he never had much friends; sure he had a few but there was no real deep connection, it’s not like Harry was anyone’s first pick when choosing someone to hang out with and he was rarely ever invited to go out by the others because he was clearly not too fun to be with. Winks had always cherished them more than they cherished him. And of course with Eric it wouldn't be any different. Harry was honestly so stupid and idiotic to have thought that it would and just managed to ruin the little he had with Dier. 

Harry had planned to walk to somewhere far away from there, but he had only managed to make it to the other side of the square where he was far from Eric’s sight at least, before collapsing in sorrowful tears of unhappiness and despair. He sat down on the kerb by his side because he didn’t even feel like dragging himself to the nearest bench at that very moment as everything seemed to crumble apart. Winks wasn’t sure how he could ever look at Eric again. Maybe Eric would forget about it or pretend that it never happened, but Winks is well-aware of how he screwed up their friendship and he would never forget that. 

He laid his head on his folded knees and buried his face there as he cried. The fact that Winks still had Eric’s coat with him was making him feel even more miserable. That was surely the last time he would ever feel Eric’s warmth and smell wrap around him tenderly before he gives this coat to Dele or someone else to return it to Eric because Harry didn’t have the courage to talk to him ever again. Winks’ thoughts kept running to the most downhearted lands of his mind while his tears streamed down his wet flushed face as he hugged his folded legs for desperate comfort. 

Then he heard a noise. It didn’t take long for him to realise that the sounds other than his crying were footsteps coming towards him. It could be a robber, a delinquent or a crazy Arsenal fan about to murder him, but Winks couldn’t care less at that moment. Then again, he doesn’t think that he is that relevant to be assassinated by a hater either. Harry didn’t even flinch when the owner of the footsteps stopped next to him and crouched right in front of him. It was only when the person placed a hand on his arm is when Winks decided to tilt his head up to look at them. 

Of course it was just Eric. For a moment Winks wasn’t sure if he didn’t prefer that it was a robber instead. The fact that Dier followed him again was doing unspeakable things to Harry’s heart and that was not really a good thing. Eric had always been nice, _way too_ nice and especially to him, which is probably one of the reasons why Winks developed these feelings for him and most likely the main reason he had mistaken Eric’s friendliness for something else, something more. Yet it was clear that it had always been just kindness and Eric being too good to others, and still Winks somehow managed to give himself false hopes and to feel this way towards someone that he shouldn’t. That’s how stupid he was. He really wished that Eric hadn’t followed him, or had but to punch him for what he had done instead and therefore make it clear to him once and for all how Winks did not mean to him as much as he did to Winks. Make it clear that it would never be mutual. 

Yet there Dier was, looking at him with saddened eyes of his own mixed with a tender gaze. The way Eric looked at him always made his heart skip a beat, and it was not helping his pain of knowing how it didn’t mean anything to him. Winks couldn’t help but resume his crying and tilting his head down to his knees like earlier, to hide his tears from Eric this time. He let himself cry a bit longer and Dier allowed it too, just placing his hand on Winks’ head to caress his hair as he let it all out. Winks desperately hoped that Dier would stop being so nice to him, because once again his feelings were getting a mess and he simply couldn’t control it. It’s almost as if Eric was playing with his feelings. 

After a while had passed, Winks finally managed to ease his crying and to calm down although he still hid his face and felt absolutely sorrowful. Eric had stayed patient and silent the entire time, just waiting for Winks to cleanse his heart with his tears. Harry finally titled his head up, his face was flushed red and wet from crying so much, a few tears still silently escaped his eyes as he sniffled. He surely must look completely miserable and stupid as he looked at Dier like that. Winks wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he thought that Eric was just being kind as always, caring about his friends, and was probably going to stick around Winks until the younger man calmed down and then tell him that he is sorry for not sharing the same feelings. 

What he didn’t expect, was Eric to gently cup his face with his hands, one softly on each side of his cheeks. It caused Winks’ heart to start racing again as more tears escaped his eyes at the feeling, his heart being crushed at how it kept mistaking Eric’s actions. Harry couldn’t even look at Eric anymore, averting his gaze as he tried to not feel so much for the person right in front of him. Meanwhile Dier kept wiping the last tears and their remnants off his face, making Winks’ job of trying to bury his emotions even harder. 

Then suddenly, Winks couldn’t believe reality anymore. Eric slowly broke the distance between their lips, connecting them together for a soft and gentle kiss. Harry forgot how to think, forgot how to react and even how to breathe. He barely managed to register how Dier was kissing him and that it wasn’t his desperate imagination that had turned into hallucination by now, that this was indeed reality. Eric was truly kissing him. Until he wasn’t anymore. 

Dier parted away from his lips but remained in his close space, their faces mere inches apart as they looked at each other wordlessly, Eric’s eyes were careful and trying to tell Harry something. Only then Winks remembered how to breathe and realised how he hadn’t answered Eric’s kiss since he had been way too stunned to even move. 

Yet, when Eric pressed his lips against his once again, tasting the salty wetness of his face because of the tears that had washed over it, Harry finally understood and grasped what he was supposed to do. He answered the kiss, softly pressing back to their joined lips, the unbelievable sensation driving him out of his mind. Knowing now that Eric was the one who kissed him, which meant that the man also wanted this, caused Winks to feel happier than he has ever felt, completely forgetting about the sorrows of that night. It was a fulfilling remedy to his tears and broken heart. 

This time when Eric parted away from the kiss, he gave Winks a sweet and fond smile, causing the latter to feel unbelievably complete. Eric kept caressing his cheek with his thumb, still gently cupping his face as they shared a tender look. Winks felt himself melting unexpectedly under the action and whole situation of relief mixed with hope. He simply couldn’t help himself and started chuckling lowly, the sound of it slightly hoarse due to all the crying from earlier. Eric also never stopped smiling, so Winks knew that it was still okay. 

Dier moved to sit beside him on the kerb, as close as they were before on the bench, maybe even closer. Winks’ heart was still racing, trying to understand the entirety of what was happening that never felt real. The thought of Eric having the same feelings for him was too good to be true. Dier moved his arm to wrap around Winks shoulder, pulling him even closer to his body, warming him up on the inside even more than on the outside. Harry wasted no time in leaning to the touch, wrapping his own arms around Eric’s torso because he simply couldn’t help it. 

They stayed that way in a complete silence for a few good minutes, just looking up at the night sky and around the empty square as they held each other comfortably. It all felt unreal, even after several minutes passed, Harry still couldn’t believe it. 

He wouldn’t mind staying that way with Eric forever, but the night was becoming colder and it was getting really late. Dier hesitantly broke their small embrace, giving Winks a smile in the process to let him know that everything was still okay and that there was no need for him to run away again. Harry felt his heart clench at the loss of contact but was also relieved that he would be able to feel Eric’s arms around him again sometime by the way the older man looked at him, if he wasn’t mistaking things anymore. 

Eric stood up and helped Winks up as well, observing how the latter still sniffled a bit. They couldn’t avert their eyes from each other for a brief moment, entangled in the current feeling. The way Eric looked at him, Winks couldn’t help but break the distance between their bodies and press each other to a hug, holding tightly onto Eric because he didn’t grow used or tired of the fulfilling feeling just yet. He was glad that Dier answered the hug and even softly caressed his hair, easing Winks’ worries of that he might be asking for too much. 

Still, although Eric answered the hug and had kissed him earlier, Winks mind was too confused and lost. He had convinced himself so deeply that Dier would never feel those things towards him, that Harry couldn’t help but think that maybe he was still mistaking things. That maybe Eric was doing this just to make Winks feel better and that there wasn’t a real feeling behind it. Thus, Winks mustered enough courage to ask, a desperate attempt on knowing the truth once and for all. 

“Am I special to you?” 

His voice was small and muffled, but still loud and clear enough for Eric to understand it, the only sound present at that very moment. 

“More than you could possibly imagine.” 

Eric’s words and voice sounded so gentle and honest that it made Winks smile, because now he knows for sure since Eric would never lie to him about that, even to make him feel better. He truly was special to Eric, just like he was to Harry. 

That night everything had seemed to fall apart for a moment, but he had found Eric and then everything seemed to crumble apart once again. Yet now, just as everything seemed to be hopeless and lost, it all went back in place and to somewhere even better than before. Dier had made him feel safe and sound, completely cured from his sorrow and problems. He gave Winks the greatest remedy someone could ever have: to feel loved. 

He has Eric. That’s all he needs. 

That’s all that matters. 

**Author's Note:**

>  **Nepenthe** (the title): “ _Something that makes you forget grief or sorrow._ ” 
> 
> My ‘nepenthe’ was my childhood best friend who I’ve dated for seven years but sadly now she’s passed away. I don’t think I’m over it already even though it’s been a year, so I’ll keep using writing stories and the people who read them as my nepenthe for the time being. 
> 
> I dedicate this story to her. She was my number one reader after all.


End file.
